Nope, It’s Just One Too Many

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

It is Dark and Something Just Hit Me

The sun has completely retired for the day and my husband and I have only one last task. Riding with the windows down, in an unknown neighborhood, we are looking for the house to make the final delivery before we go home.

As I was chatting away, the thud from my arm immediately signals to my brain that there is a huge thing in this car. Hoping that it had been smart enough to leave out of the window, I remained cautious. I peered into the darkness as if I had laser vision just to spot it. It hit me again, and I shouted, “Pull the car over!” “Really, Babe?” “Yes, really!” “There is a bug in here!” I am beating my body at this point, as my husband has located the address, and is pulling into the driveway. Shifting the gear into park, my husband casually makes sure to grab all of the items for this person’s order. In the same instance, I swung the door open and jumped out of the car spinning around and swatting intensely. “The people are going to think there are bugs in their food.” I wanted to say, “Do you think I care about these people’s food right now?!” The front light of the house has come on, and while the homeowner is walking out, I slid into the car praying that the bug has left the car and/ or my body. Delivering the pizza, my husband returns to the car amused. I did not find a single thing funny. On edge the entire car ride home, I was thankful that the day had come to a close, or so I thought.

The Thing that is Larger than a Quarter

Attempting to return to the house, I saw it and it saw me. We both stopped. For a quick second, I thought about acting as if I didn’t see it. Then I thought if it came into the house…disaster. It had to go, I had to kill it. But it was bigger than a quarter, and to me, it was like the spiders in the Harry Potter Chamber of Secrets movie. My husband is in the shower, so now I have to fend for myself. I swiftly unhooked the fly swatter hanging on the tool rack, carefully walked down the steps, took two giant steps back, getting myself in position. BAM! After a quick screech as I jump back then, forward. BAM! BAM! BAM! I killed him. Sweeping him up, and throwing him in the trash, I felt bad and then relieved. Oh well. Now it is time to eat.

Antenna’s Equivalent to its Large Brown Upside Down Body

I am on the couch in the living room, alert to the movie my husband and I are watching, and thoroughly enjoying my three meat pizza. The movie is getting good but I have to pee. I ran to the closest restroom, just to make sure that I wouldn’t miss too much without stopping the movie. I managed to cut the light on, sit on the toilet seat, start to tinkle, and then to my complete surprise there it is: a large brown bug with large antennas struggling on its back. I yell for my husband, “there is a big bug in here.” “Kill it then.” In my mind, this bug is too big to even try to kill. If I miss and turn him over it is over for me. How did he get on his back in the first place?

I wipe myself, flush, and run right past the bug to the other restroom just to wash my hands. Meanwhile, my husband is on the couch and has not moved a single muscle. I return to the living room, “Go take a look at the bug.” “I am not getting up, just kill it.” “Please, please, please?!!!” “I am not getting up, just kill it.” At this point, I am pissed, peeping into the restroom, I realized I got to kill him. I returned to the garage, unhook the plastic fly swatter, again, and started praying before I could even get to the restroom. Aw, man. My husband attempts to toss a bag that brushes up against my skin. “Stop it!” “That is not funny.” Okay, here I go. BAM! “Aaaaaaah!” BAM! BAM! BAM! Why does the dead bug always fly up after the first swat? Anyways, I did it. I carefully sweep the bug in the bag while ignoring my husband’s laughs. Yep, it is official, I am done for the night, tomorrow can’t come fast enough!

Walking past the living room’s light switch, and toward the bedroom, my husband asks me a series of comments, “You’re not going to finish the movie,” “Can you put the television on the news,” “Can you turn the lights off?”

Hmm, so much for men being women’s protectors.

“No, you can do it yourself!”




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Kris Eclectic

Kris Eclectic

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